Original Photo from Strong and Rachel Photography

Last month, I held my debut on the 12th at The Legend Villas. All I can say about it is that it was something, because when you’re the debutant yourself, your experience from the guests is completely different.

It was entirely my choice to have a debut. I knew that what I had to do to get what I wanted but I never knew that it would be this stressful. I started planning the event at around 2015, trying to get ideas and even making a guestlist. Well, two years have passed and of course lots of things change. There were major tweaks to the venue, program, guestlist—basically everything. I had no idea back then about how things in a debut should go. I didn’t even have a theme when I thought of having such a grand birthday party. It was only on November 16, 2016 that I thought of Eighteen Years With Pao. It was inspired by Claudia Gray’s Firebird trilogy, my favourite book series. I didn't want to use something like Pao@18 because to me, it's nothing special. It's been used by so many debutants before and I wanted something unique.

When 2017 arrived, I expected many things for this year. Two of them being college entrance exams and my own debut. I even wrote an article for UPIS Media Center about debuts to somewhat prepare myself for what’s to come. Months leading up to the day itself were times of worrying and of course, stress. Not only did I have to do many, many tasks for my big day but I also had to study. It was hard for me because I’ve never had so much weight on my shoulders. The pressure of CETs and anxiety weren’t much help. Whenever I get anxious of what could happen on the 12th, I remembered that I wanted this, and I needed to work hard to make it perfect.

June and July came and believe me when I tell you I’ve never experienced so much stress in my life. I had many meetings to attend to, and of course work to be done. I also had a growing interest then and it was a great stress reliever but I let it consume so much of my time. It was a good idea of 2015 Pao to list down who were to be the 18 Roses, 18 Candles (which soon became 18 + 1), and 18 Treasures/Blue Bills because I didn’t have to think about it when I was making the materials to post on the event page on Facebook. I also thank 2016 Pao for learning how to use Photoshop because I decided that I was on my own in creating the posts.

With this experience, I also realized that I’ve become a little bit of a perfectionist. That’s why I wanted to do everything myself, instead of just telling someone what to do. Of course I wouldn’t have been able to do this without help. Kuya Dave was the one who was with me all throughout because he was on-leave for the whole month of July. We went to meetings together and even went shopping together! On the day itself, he became my personal assistant even though I wasn’t planning on it. I also asked my friends Hillary, Trisa, Sam, and Marianne to prepare the giveaways. I thank them because I honestly couldn’t have done this without them.

As the day came closer, the stress was increasing. I had five (5) emotional breakdowns the week before the actual event. I wasn’t sure of what was going to happen and it made me worry so much because I didn’t know if people would enjoy what I had planned for the evening. The feeling of uncertainty was just eating me up alive. There were also other factors that were discouraging me and I let it affect me so much. I calmed myself a few days before because I had something to get my mind off of it. School started the Tuesday before the 12th, which I focused on instead of the event. It was just the first week but they were already asking a little more than normal from us and it tired me out but it was some sort of a distraction, at least.

The 12th came, the day I’ve been waiting for since the start of the year, the day I’ve been stressing about for months, the day that I was also excited for. It was a bummer that I had refresher classes for the whole day but I decided to just attend the morning part. I did not plan on having extra stress on that day. We got to Legend at around 3 o’clock and checked in. I was trying to calm myself by talking to my friend Rachel who had come with me because she needed a ride to get to the venue. It was great that she was there because it took my mind off things for a while. During hair and makeup, I was a bit more chill than a few hours before because I talked to ate Yang a lot, she was my makeup artist. The photography team arrived at Legend before we did and while ate Yang and her hair stylist were working on me, they took photos. I was calm at that time because I was surrounded by people I know and love. Kuya Strong and ate Rachel’s team were the photographers and videographers for the event. They, ate Yang, and I met in GCF. Another thing that kept me collected was the fact that I was listening to kpop. Kpop can do wonders.

The following hour just consisted of me freaking out because the event was minutes away. Mind you, I even slipped on the stairs. Mom was there in the room while I was trying not to have another emotional breakdown and I kinda screamed when kuya Dave told me that it was time to go to the function room. I didn’t want people to see me at all because I wasn’t in my dress yet and I wanted to surprise my guests. Unfortunately some already saw me but that was alright. I was in a pair of black leggings, a white top, a denim jacket, and my Adidas Tubulars. I prepared a 2-minute dance for everyone to watch, I wanted to dance and finally face my fear of performing alone in front of a crowd. I underestimated the space I had, I thought it’d be enough for the choreography but I was wrong. I had a difficult time executing it because the space was small, plus there was a red carpet so I was afraid I’d slip and be a flop. Thankfully, that didn’t happen.

After performing, I quickly ran downstairs to change into my dress. I was also letting my anger out because the wrong music had been played and the anticipation had been ruined. My blood boiled and I just wanted to go home and not appear anymore because of that slight setback. I’m petty, I know. Like I said, I wanted everything to be perfect but I had this idea that if in the beginning it didn’t go well, it’d continue for the rest of the evening. The only thing that got me to keep going was the video greeting from LA that mom showed me. I cried a little bit, even though I tried not to because I didn’t want to ruin my makeup. After that, I was ready to face everyone again.

I enjoyed sitting there on that couch, listening to what people have to say about me. My heart was filled with love and joy from people who actually like me. They said words that I’ll always keep in my heart and I really was touched. I never knew that I was able to have that kind of effect on people. I know that in a way, I made them say something but they chose to what to tell me. I really haven’t been surrounded by so many people who love me in such a long time. My relatives from overseas also sent videos to greet me, which obviously made my heart happy. I haven’t seen most of them in years.

The rest of the evening went smoothly, not as planned and not perfect, but it still went well. The feedback from people were what made me happy with the debut. I’m glad that a lot of them enjoyed and that it was nakakaiba from other debuts. With that, being a debutant is a different kind of experience, to be honest. Despite all the stress and fatigue, I’m really glad I spent my 18th this way.